


Tony Stark

by FriendlyNeighbourhoodSin



Series: Inside the Mind of.... [2]
Category: Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alcohol, Angst, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Gen, Guilt, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-08-14
Updated: 2016-08-14
Packaged: 2018-08-08 19:46:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 968
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7770631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FriendlyNeighbourhoodSin/pseuds/FriendlyNeighbourhoodSin
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Stark Tower is quiet at night, but not necessarily empty.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Tony Stark

The Jack Daniels burned his throat as he swallowed it down. He sat at the partially rebuilt bar in Stark Tower, watching the glimmering lights of New York City down below. Deciding that two glasses wasn’t enough, he slowly refilled his small one, until the liquid nearly overflowed. He was happy to be alone in the darkness of the tower. The building was still half in shambles from the Ultron attack, and Tony laughed bitterly to himself when he realized something.

He was the same way.

Of course, when he thought about it, there was never really a time in his life that he wasn’t in shambles. He spent the first 17 years of his life under his father’s thumb, the pressure never giving him a real childhood. While other kids had army men and toy castles, Tony had extra homework and mandatory piano lessons. And sometimes marks to show for his mouthing off. He was overwhelmed with joy at the freedom he received when he went away to MIT. Of course there were happy memories too. Waking up to the smell of his mother’s chocolate chip cookies. The expensive getaways in France (the only time Tony ever saw his father relaxed). His mother’s random movie nights, where it was just the two of them, watching all of Tony’s favourites.

Tony smiled at the thoughts, but the smile quickly turned bitter, sending a poisonous feeling throughout him. 17 years. That was all that he got. He remembers that night, as if it was yesterday, and not 25 years ago. He had waited up for his parents, the night they went out. It was mid-december, but there was no snow on the ground. It hadn’t been a pleasant departure, he and his dad had conflicted yet again. His parents had left shortly after, the tension hanging in the air. It was three hours after they said that they would be home when there was a knock on the door. Tony had expected to see his parents, tired and frustrated from the long drive, on the other side of the door. Not a police officer, surrounded by sirens and other men in uniform.

The half empty glass hit the surface of the bar a little harder than necessary. If he was being honest with himself, he was barely fazed by his father’s death. They weren’t close, had nothing in common, and Tony often wished that Howard would one day leave and never come back. Well he got his fucking wish, didn’t he. The man raised him, attempted (on occasion) to nurture him, and gave him everything he could ever want. And that was how he thought of him. Ungrateful. Selfish. That’s why your mother died.

You deserved it.

 

It was there, every day. The voice in the back of his head, telling him what he already knew. That he deserved it, all of it. Everything bad that had ever happened to him. The hostage situation. The wormhole. Losing Pepper. The anxiety, the PTSD. 

People always told him that none of these things were his fault. That the choices he made were what he thought to be the best. They were wrong. It was his fault. He told himself every day, week after week, month after month. Because it was his weaponry. His smart mouth. He created Ultron. He pushed for the signing of the accords. The death, the destruction.

It was all him.

Tony closed his eyes. He could feel tears building up, but refused to let them fall. After all of his attempts at redemption, he still couldn’t fix what he’d done. He still wasn’t good enough. 

You never were, and you never will be. You’re weak, pathetic. You’re unloved, the people you care about don’t stand a chance. They will crumble and fall and it’s all your-

“SHUT UP!!”

His cry had cut through the silence like a knife, seemingly shaking the air around him. Tony stared into the quiet darkness, hearing nothing but the sound of a tear hitting the bar counter. He sat frozen in place, keeping an ear open for footsteps, in case he had been heard. Nobody was supposed to be in the tower at this time of night, but that didn’t mean nobody was. Of course, being his tower, Tony knew how to get where he wanted without the possibility of being caught. Not that it would matter, he owned the place.

A sigh escaped his lips. It was nearly 4am, he should probably head back to headquarters. He might even fly back to California, maybe stay in his (finally) rebuilt home. But in the end, he guessed it didn’t really matter where he went, or if he went anywhere at all.

It’s not like I have anybody to go back to…

Pouring the last bit of liquor into his mouth, Tony finally stood up from the bar. He had been there for two hours, just thinking to himself. He scolded himself internally, knowing that his back would hurt like a bitch when he got up tomorrow. He should probably invest in a chiropractor. He laughed bitterly, thinking of Rhodey’s physiotherapist. He was top notch, best in the whole damn country, but there was only so much that could be done. So he decided against a physiotherapist.

After all, why should his body get to recover if Rhodey’s couldn’t? Why should he be comfortable if his best friend can’t live the same way? It seemed as though everyone around him was to be affected by his destruction. They were going to feel pain, loss, desperation. They were going to wish that there was something, anything, that would stop what they were feeling. What they were going through. So it was only fair that he go through the same. After all….

He deserved it.

**Author's Note:**

> I was hoping to update this earlier, but I was away at summer camp. Hope you enjoyed!


End file.
